Bf settled for me reddit Snap out of it - he’s not who he was and you aren’t his mama. This is a long post but I need to sanity check all of my doubts and get a neutral perspective… He's an amazing man. He doesn't see the mix-matched couples out there or really understand the idea of attraction. A few days ago I was having a conversation with my bf of 2 yrs and I asked him a variety of questions one being if he settled for me and he said yes. My problem is I feel like he’s settled for me because I recently found out that when him and I first started talking, before our relationship was established, he was also talking to one other female. " I think I was relieved because I could start living for me and make my own future. It just didn't work out. I went from him believing I was perfect and the sun shone out my So we had around 5 conversations until it finally stuck. He thought so low The difference is I didn't settle for her and I knew she wasn't settling for me. That shit hurts. Apparently she was hung up on an ex too but I could tell she was very hurt on our phone call & trying hard to hide it. I’ve tried to discuss this with him but he keeps saying he was messing around - surely these thoughts must have come from somewhere though? Not sure what I’m hoping for from this, just wanted to offload really. Of course, he had borderline personality disorder so, when he took me off the pedestal, he took me off the pedestal. It grew. He supports me with everything I do, makes me laugh every day, tells me and shows me he loves me. He said maybe he was just trying to be blasé to act like he didn’t care that much about the counseling, but he wasn’t trying to imply that he had settled. Don’t settle. For example: I had a date with a guy I told him I wanted to go to a certain park to walk around, he picked me up and everything, when we arrived there he asked if we could go Long story short my husband (31M) told everyone that I (28F) was never the first choice, he just chose me because the circumstances allowed it. My ex bf made me watch it. I feel like I've wasted my life. You don’t want to know. Does little things like bring me coffee in the morning and make sure I leave with everything I need, affection, initiates sex, seems to like talking to me. Honestly, being realistic, I'm a bit above average (My face is about 70th percentile realistically speaking and my body is quite fit/skinny), whereas, as sexy as I find him, is a bit Nope. I realized that ultimately he didn't care about me, he cared about being in a relationship and having "a wife. But yeah, everything else is so spot on. Fuck this mentality. our lives are very much intertwined and i can’t just up and leave. This man stood by me during the darkest times of my life, unflinching, without judgement. He was distraught for 2 years. we were in a LDR because he went away for school. He is introverted, so meeting people was difficult and took a lot of energy out of him. Of course always had his pick of any woman he ever wanted thru our 20s, 30s, and even most of our 40s. I'm VERY passionate about what I do and him being supportive of that is huge. I've since ignored Adam's messages asking to catch up since. He thinks he was doing me a favor, and he did but he also participated in demeaning talk about me and encouraged Tom to set I mean I’m her longest relationship and she is incredibly enthusiastic about sex and she initiates often. My life came tumbling down in this moment realising my BF settled for me. But the comparison is the the key. It’s heartbreaking for everyone involved. I do know he isn’t overly physically attracted to me as he does make an effort to not touch my stomach area for example and doesn’t compliment me physically besides from a generic ‘your so pretty/beautiful’. Now, I just tell my boyfriend what I expect and need from him. My best friend could be a meme for this. He might change on his own but he might be comfortable where he is now so you would probably need to plan for worst case scenario. Best After my partner of 10yrs left me, I found out that he had “realised that he didn’t have to settle for me” because other younger girls found him attractive. I’ve cried for many hours and sick to my stomach. He doesn’t appreciate what you’ve done and you’ll never get any credit. Next time he does it calmly explain to him how you took it and ask him to explain his side. When I would want to leave he would cry and beg me to stay For context me and my boyfriend M(19) and I F(19) have been together for about 6 months now for privacy reasons I’ll call him Mike. And as the people in the original post said, sometimes things don't come out as we mean, and it isn't a lack of self respect to be able to listen to and understand when someone apologises for poor wording choices. Doesn’t tell me he loves me unless I say it first etc…but he sits next to me everyday. Looked like a fitness model. Damn this is a confusing one. We have a pre nup and all of our finances are separated and I'm personally financially set on my own accord. Recently she gifted me a key, and asked me if I want to move in with her after christmas. I always think back to early on in our relationship she said things to me like I’m not like other people she dated and when I asked why she said “I used to date the type of boys all girls want” and I know that in the couple of years From the beginning of the relationship I would have to ask to see him more than once a week. I have never felt secure in this relationship, ever. We have great communication. He came over, apologised said he has never loved anyone more. She chose me. My bf was like that, I did all that I could to reassure him but, as time progressed, it took a toll on my mental health. TL; DR: Husband settled for me. She isn't thinking about other men. He said he's not going to miss his friend's wedding, he totally dismissed my concerns and said he won't get drunk and he doesn't feel that way so he won't say anything like that. She told me, straight to my face, in a non joking tone, serious voice, that she settled for me and is with me because she doesn't want to date again. Yeah, some guys do enter relationships not even particularly liking the girl (and visa versa), and it usually ends badly, but also sometimes they actually wind up really falling for her and he doesn't feel like he settled, he really likes her the good, the bad, and the "ugly". We live together and he has stepped into the role of father to my 2 daughters. He was a narcissist, he thought because I am a middle aged white chick (he was a younger Latino) that I must love that shit and asked (more like demanded and if I did not acquiesce he would have pouted like a child - his go to move) me to watch one of his favourite movies with him. I would say that physical attention can be there even if you are their second choice. I love him as a partner and I know he will be there for me through thick and thin. I wasn't settling for her at all, she was the best to me, not the best I could get or the safe pick. He’s always fighting for me, he loves me, and he’s putting so much effort into this relationship. If I somehow knew a more attractive woman would have stayed with me forever I wouldn't have cared. I think he settled for me also bc he told her that he felt she wasn’t as interested or wouldn’t like him in I love my boyfriend because I know he will be a good father to our future children, he appreciates me as I am, he loves me, is emotional, and we can communicate well. I'm also in my 30s and I kinda sympathise with her wanting to "settle down" because being in a female assigned body, the clock is ticking fast when you reach this age, and when I dated my boyfriend (who is younger than me by a few years), I made it clear that my goal is to settle down eventually and I don't want to be fooling around any more as You can believe me when I say I know the struggle. I did not settle. Something in his life makes him believe he doesn't deserve true love so he fills in the blanks to have some kind of companionship and a sex life. Only downside he can’t keep up with me. Get married. If he wasn't compatible before was sex the only thing keeping you with him? Basically at this point you got 3 options. in the beginning, it was cool; i'd visit him at least once a month, he'd spend his breaks at home. When she was sobered you the next day, I told her what I heard and she begged for my forgiveness. The last time we went out with his friends, a random guy started to hit on me while I was However sometimes i wonder whether she is with me because I’m someone that’s good to settle down with. It is a fine line. I have a boyfriend who isn't perfect. I think at first I would try to be understanding but if it's still going on, he's not over it and maybe he's hoping they could still get back together. It got quiet and I just He stopped being healthy so his physical attractiveness decreased further. Of 8 months (how long we’ve known each other before making things official), he probably only asked me to hang out twice. His family and friends love me being with him and they're all great people Buy a house. We had a long conversation but basically he thinks her boyfriend would never consider me and she would never consider him, so both of us kind of had to settle for the same “league”. He doesn't like to play the same games as me and if I can convince him he just gets frustrated while we play so I have a bad time. When the others found out they were happy for me. If he wants space send him a well thought out text about why you want to be with him. He said to my face that he stayed with me out of fear of being alone because he didn’t think anyone else would love him. The woman he would prefer to have instead wouldn’t be me. over the course of (Wich has now 90% been resolved). My sister called me later and yelled at me for upsetting James and trying to make him jealous to get his attention. Even though he isn't perfect. My ex husband told me when he ended things he did not love me and maybe never had. I was actually dating someone for a little bit and he told me that he wasn't going to settle and he told me he was still going to go on dates with other women. He shows me off in front of his friends and tells them how much he loves me. ' They can be done. During dinner a friend asked me about my travel plans (at this point only this friend knew). We haven't slept together in 6 months because I feel so disgusted. I asked if he settled because in his head “I’m the best he can get” or if he really loves me he went on to explain how he loves me and settling in his case just meant he knows I’d be a Posted by u/Idkimconfusedyo - 4 votes and 9 comments It reminds me a little of my ex husband. Also, I would like to stress the fact that it was the ex who, according to him, loved your husband more than anyone else. Tell him that you have many friends but only one boyfriend. There is no reason not to. I am sure there are times that he kept me alive. After a while… it becomes really suffocating. I discovered through other people that he was talking to 2 different girls, while talking to me and going out on dates with me prior to being official. Maybe he meant that he felt a connection with you more so than others and knew it was going to work. But I can’t get over it. He was a male model and always the best looking guy in any room. I realised my marriage of 10 years was him settling for second best. I left my boyfriend for saying something similar. I don’t know how I’d recover from this if my husband ever told me he settled for me. But after our son was born he was nice to me for a while until he got with her again and blocked me and wouldnt talk to me at all, he bought her a plane ticket to go see him while i was asking for diapers/formula for our son. You knew your wife settled for you before you married her and knew she wouldn't love you as much as you love her. The love of my life, my soulmate, was certainly not someone who would make a living on his looks, but he GOT me, he loved my family, we laughed our asses off, and I always felt lucky to have him. He shared that he started seeing a therapist and is working on himself. I was also a good bet, I guess. I've been weighting my options and I seriously thing I need to stay with him since we have a seven year old. He'll make last minute plans (if his friends haven't called him up) and if they do while he's hanging out with me, he'll have them come meet us. And I'm getting what I need out of the relationship to feel loved and secure. he was handsome, intelligent, just all around great. A year passed, we started talking again. If there was no apartment or car, would we still be together, or did he use me and settle for me? Posted by u/PerformerSmart9941 - 1 vote and no comments He is making me really happy and is essentially my best friend. I chose her. We haven't had any real fights. It just wasn't being head over heels, love at first sight. He has qualities that I'd rather do without, but that's everyone like you said. I’m confused here because he DOES show you he loves you. Settle/accept. He does SO many things for me, that I feel those words don't mean what I think they could mean, because they don't match his actions. He says that he wants to be with me desperately but when he thinks about me, it's seared into his mind that I was always his first choice but he will always have been my second. I feel he has settled for me because I was the only one that gave him a chance. My boyfriend is the same height as me which is 5'6. However I just feel like he settled for me. She didn't settle for me. He holds my hand when we're out or I hold his arm. In my own way, I love him and I know that he really loves me. If a person tells me I’m settling. Which is why he asked me out to prom, why we dated throughout college, why he proposed. I allow my work to fulfill my needs that he doesn't. Wow, this kinda hits home for me and makes my heart hurt for her. After that everything he did just started to annoy me he just stopped being attractive to me anymore. …. I don't want to feel I was some safe option and he actually loved someone else, even though he has never given me that impression; he is utterly devoted to me. He tells me to quit reading that shit (Reddit lol) every time I have a certain look on Settling is part and parcel of our lives. It’s made me feel like he views me as desperate. I think he is perfect for me. when i was 18, i met an older guy at work (he was 23 at the time). We are only 15 month relationship, but we have talked our disagreements or confusions. He need a to learn how to manage his expectations. Finally got back on the scene to date and immediately settles for a bigger girl that was nice. I don't know how to get over him lying and deceiving me like that. Years down the line and with all the changes in our relationship, I can’t help but to feel like he settled for me. If me drinking beer and watching football isn't exciting enough for your bitch ass then tell me and maybe we could go do other As the title says, my husband (M42) told me that he picked me because I have certain qualities he liked and wanted in a wife I'm not excellent in anything but just average and he can work with that. He is so dramatic when he's even slightly sick it turns me off. But if I did find the perfect guy, I wouldn't trade him. I told him its over to which he finally accepted but also reminded me again that he isn't apologetic for having a "type". Need help with your relationship? Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or… I was stupid back then so i always took him back, i had settled into being a side chick. What are you judging it against? Comparing a real women to an ideal fantasy women is a fools game. His mannerisms have started annoying me sometimes. Now he asks me how i’m doing maybe once a week if that, and if i talk about my day too much i’m overstimulating him. In the beginning the thought crossed my mind that he could have settled for me. I’m not someone he wanted to be with initially. But when we talked about a lot of other things he told me his insecurity was that I may not believe him when he We would like to show you a description here but the site won’t allow us. Whether he allows you to visit or not have the therapist review what you say. That is pretty My (21F) boyfriend (22M) of 4 months told me he loves me because he is comfortable around me. I don't think I settled for him. We would like to show you a description here but the site won’t allow us. Did this just all work out in my favor, she rejected him so I could have him and we are meant to be, or did he settle because he didn't get the girls he really wanted? Looked like a fitness model. He thought she wasn't interested but she was taking things slow. i know this is kind of typical of these situations, i just feel so lost I told him he couldn't count on a woman to fix him and that I thought he'd make the worst husband ever except for Tom. Aug 22, 2023 · Welcome to AskWomenOver30, an inclusive Reddit community where people can ask question to and discuss topics with women over the age of 30. I texted him, "all the best" and blocked him. I have no clue how to feel. We were together for 10 years. There have been times I’ve told him I want to split up because my self esteem makes me feel worthless to him, that he doesn’t make me feel wanted or loved and I can only assume it’s because he settled with the wrong woman. Also I always thought that a man that truly loves me would think I’m the most beautiful girl in the world and not his friend. He keeps me It’s a huge insecurity of mine. I don't count that as settling personally. Mia was quiet and seemed annoyed. He gets frustrated easily over nothing sometimes and it gives me the ick. . He stated that his previous girlfriend (31F) was perfect in all aspects but she wasnt able to change into who he wanted her to be like I did. I can’t help but feel that he is with me only because he can’t be with either of his girl friends and he settled for me in a way. My bf and I have been together for almost 3 years and I feel like he has settled for me every single day. I broke it off because I got so tired and it was draining me. I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA66636. I am heartbroken. Like OP, I had not dated anyone else in my 20s, and thought this He kept in touch with then to make absolutely sure there was no chance to be with them before he settled for me. She takes care of me pretty well. A part of me is saying that it's a good thing because she loves me (she says) and is with me. He says the only reason he got so drunk at the bachelor party is because everyone was doing shots, which he doesn't usually do, so he didn't really know his limit with I’m not married but I’ll tell you about my friend. My fiancé (27F) settled for me (29M) and I don’t know if I should go through with the wedding. Good lord. That I was never his first option. You can’t see it because you need it to be physically and verbally shown. And yes, she has said this a few times to me. that means, if a man cant get easy sex on online dating his wife probably feel like she settled for him since she most likely doesn’t find him attractive. Even after her friends left, she drunkenly got on top of me in bed and tried to get in my pants before I could get her settled down and asleep. He would say Im not what he’s used to dating but he loves me anyway. I was his best friend and he didn’t want to lose that but he wasn’t in love with me and that he only married me to make me happy. She told me that in the near future she wants to buy a house together and have kids with me. Pretty guy gets pretty girl. He apologized for being so harsh and assured me how much he loved me. If you consider it settling then you are already comparing people against others. we have pets we love, and despite it all i love him more than i’ve loved anyone. What do I do. He appreciates it, because I'm clear in my expectations, and he doesn't have to read my mind or second guess himself. That sucks too. I didn't settle for my wife. It means that he sees all the nonverbal cues that society puts out. The reason why I questioned whether he wanted to hurt me in the session was because I knew he didn’t want to be there (even though he had he told me he wanted to). TDLR: boyfriend thinks I’ve settled for him when this isn’t the case Then he wrote how he would like to be with "hot girls" or even just date a hot girl and how he feels like he settled for an average girl. He had a gf that they were insanely in love and ready to get married. Original Post Apr 29, 2024. I would rather die alone than settle for a woman that just wants the safe option regardless of how she actually feels about me. My husband doesn’t plan shit. James was there with my sister and he was pissed and left early. He feels insecure about the relationship, and her reassurances are not reassuring because they are not about love, desire, or him - they are focused on pretty generic human qualities. This made me question our relationship and now I wonder if he 'settled' for me. When I said it, he just said “me too” but he… I always have this anxiety that my boyfriend picked me bc I’m the attainable choice, and if someone sexier or prettier was attainable then he would… Mar 26, 2024 · To me that spelt out he wasn’t attracted to me. I love him a lot, he always treats (treated) me amazing. Just because your husband said these things (years ago, when you just started dating, mind you) doesn't mean that he still feels that way and that he "settled" for you. Married for 3. Mike and I have had private crushes of each other since 10ths grade but I never found the courage to talk to him or even at the time I didn’t know he actually liked me up until when we got together when he confirmed it. There a reason why I choice him and falling in love with him. He initiated everything and told me he loved me when we're dating He does call me beautiful oftentimes but never when I talk to him about his friends. The first is just accept the dude you picked and meet him where he's at. She didn't say anything bad about the OP, only that she reminisced about an old flame. I wouldn't be able to deal with it. Hearing this made me very happy as I wish to do the same. My BF said “men settle in relationships” I questioned further and asked did he settle for me. Inside jokes. From personal experience, I was bad in past relationships in being upfront with my needs. Need help with your relationship? Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help! She doesn't need to 'settle for' that and he doesn't need to become more 'exciting. He didn't settle. The 2nd option is to 9. He preferred to have a prettier thinner woman with no children but he settled for me. I don’t feel like you have a whole lot of information that says he settled for you. Mia scoffed and said anyone could do it if they were irresponsible. I hear you saying he thinks you should do thing differently or how he want you to, but that says to me he thought things were going to be different. He had to overhear her gossip or whatever the hell happened. Point out that some of the things he says come off ambiguous and hurtful if taken the wrong way. I said yes, I will. When we first met he put me on a pedestal. All are welcome, please read and abide by the rules in our sidebar. But she was distant & I just happened to move more quickly, met him in person first. Who cares if you are happy, if you have a wife, you are set. I genuinely thought he was grateful for someone being interested and therefore accepted my body type. So to be very blunt, he’s this guy who’s ranking like a 5/10 in career and physical, and when his 10/10 personality tanked it was game over. He's very affectionate. At first. 8M subscribers in the relationship_advice community. I was working on a Bachelors in Applied Math (currently working on an MS/MBA and have a small body of published research in biomedical science) I owned a house and had a nice car, with a decent job She treats me good, waits on me hand and foot, will get up at 3 am and buy me food without complaint, has never asked me to pay her back for a thing, has paid for dates, treats me like a king to my face, but maybe behind the scenes that's not the case. All I will say though is statements like that don’t come out of nowhere, even if it’s said in anger. He was floundering in his career so he made less than me. A year after we married, my husband drunkenly confessed that he didn’t find me attractive (he prefers petite women with delicate facial features) but he was grateful for what I did and felt obliged to thank me. women feel like they settled for their man if they don’t find him attractive, and if he’s attractive he can get easy sex even on OLD. He gave me the choice between the He then said, "you aren't the prettiest girl in the world, you should be aware of that". He says "I love you" back to me when I say it but otherwise I haven't heard him say it first in a long time. Nov 17, 2024 · He doesn't make me laugh. I made the mistake of staying with mine and he destroyed everything I had built and gave the good parts to another woman he’s felt was worthier. I had several phone calls with her, but my bf denies everything, saying he told her how I was the one he wanted. Which, feels great. In reality, he's the best partner I could ask for, even if he doesn't light a fire in me. Had to ask him to take me out for dates or do anything… Posted by u/i_whiskey_a_lot - 1 vote and 1 comment Before I got the job offer, he had wanted to move in together, so idk if he was using me. I get told at least once a month that I settled, but I'm still not seeing it. My fiancé is way out of my league. I am insanely mad. Give him the space that he needs but tell him that you have cut out Zeke because he is an enemy of our relationship. It seems like your wife was 30 when she got married and in a lot of cultures 30 is the dreaded age for unmarried women. Long time lurker and now seeking advice. The other issue is that she didn't even tell him this. He thought of me as baggage because I was a divorced single mom and I don’t think I can get over this. He has always had steady work, so it was never a concern. She seems to put effort in and I never thought she settled for me. The relationship and everything you do is on their terms even if it's an activity you choose. My boyfriend (M27) and I (F24) have been dating for 6 months now and I told him I loved him yesterday. All the women he has liked have been blonde, they looked like the women he was looking up. Not vice-versa. It was still the first month of us dating, but the ex he was with for 5 years moved in right away as well, so I guess this is his norm idk. knew he had some issues, didn't realize the extent of it. They haven't spoken since the whole thing. I had a lot of options but I’m happy I’m with my boyfriend, there no missing out of anything. His friends called and texted me saying that I have"hurt" him and he did "love" me. Hi, reddit. He just decided he wanted it, so he's going to get it. I told her that she knew she was getting a cheat when she decided to date my sloppy seconds and he was no longer my problem. It hurts him that we had feelings for each other all the way through high school but the moment I met Andy, none of that meant anything anymore which must have meant I Posted by u/throwRA78639 - 2 votes and 14 comments Honestly I have no advice. I just want out. 100 upvotes if I could. One friend said she was envious of me and wishes she could do the same. A month before he was going to propose on her bday she gets in a car accident and passes away. I will just tell them the good things he do for me and how he respectfully treat people. He recognized me and we chatted for a bit, before he had to go, since he was only in town to visit friends. I think he settled for me also bc he told her that he felt she wasn’t as interested or wouldn’t like him in Plus, the implication behind OPs question is that he's not sure his GF loves him, and she's pressuring for a commitment (or, OP perceives a pressure for commitment). He then said “everyone settles in relationships”. A few weeks ago, I suddenly ran into Jay, while I was in the city. How he had all kinds of women and he is getting used to me lol that I was too skinny and his other women were thicker and tighter lol we had a big age gap too 29-39. Here's the original thread. What may worry me are the parts where he said that he settled for you RIGHT NOW and where he expressed that he would not return to his ex because HE WOULD DUMP HIM AGAIN. And girl we all know a guy who keep his exs means he still have feelings for them so RUN , today when I rethink of it I slap myself so hard for being so naive and stupid , I knew weeks after our relationship that he tried his chance with every single of them but they all rejected him so he chose to be with me to make them "jealous" somehow Posted by u/Livelovelaugh_36 - No votes and 1 comment You can only help him up to a point. Never, ever would I tell anyone that I felt I’d “settled” simply because he was what society deemed less attractive She isn't leaving me or anything. He’s a user. Never do that to someone. If I were her I would want to be told. ztms cutmf fbbfve yqstm ccicxm wcbvxhwv awrwb ckto kabd rnzwci nolhvb uloc mxugk alhr tmdhc